Tuesday, April 8, 2014

That Moment Where I Bang My Head On The Table

While an argument could be made that I do this most days so therefore I'm not allowed to have just one moment - I would like to say, this calls for it's own special moment.

Did you hear about that rather large plan that disappeared or crashed and burned? Of course you have! What you probably haven't heard was all the conspiracies behind it. I can only tell you this as an informed person because my mother decided to flood my email box with every known theory that is floating out there as to why it happened. It's not that I'm insensitive, but after reading I think like the 30th email explaining the whys behind it is when I sort of gave up the will to check my emails.

My phone, of course, has other plans as it was announcing a new notification every few seconds. It's always a guess. Either my mom is on the computer hitting forward to everything she finds "interesting" or it's Sissy sending me pins from Pinterest that she can't pin.

Yeah, don't look so innocent like. If you're on Pinterest, you know there are times when you see something hilarious but don't want to pin it because you don't want people to judge you for what you just pinned. So we sometimes just send it on to someone or make a secret board. My secret board is flipping hysterical, but I'm so very grateful it's ahem, secret.

Wow. I just blanked out what I was trying to say. This can't be a good sign. Maybe I smacked my head a little too hard on the table this time around.

Oh wait, I think it's coming back. Airplane!

I asked Hubby dear if I was the only person out there that now thinks the missing plan is just the beginning of the series LOST. After he stopped laughing, which did take a while, he said he was pretty sure it was just me. And here I thought I was going to be able to find a group of like minded folks who are as weird as me.

I'm pretty sure that will never happen.

And for giggles, I sent my mom an email that it's okay I've seen all of LOST and everyone will be okay. She emailed back that if they are lost she doesn't see how they'll be okay, and I need to wake up and realize they are out to get us. I said yes, the man in black will try to but he doesn't get to win.

I guess I should mention here she had absolutely no clue what I was talking about and has never seen LOST let alone heard of it. Hey, wading through all those conspiracies takes a while, so she's a bit behind on some things.

Needless to say, she thought I was being a bit loony, which the irony of that statement made me laugh even harder. And it was all fun and games until my dad figured out I was being a smarty-pants and I got scolded via email. That is a new level of weird to get yelled at through an email. I was waiting for it to end with "go to your room" but sadly it didn't. I was actually looking for an excuse to go to my room so I could take a nap.

I think I need one to - we've had a dozy of a month. And added bonus, I was having a major meltdown with a side of crappy attitude and Nicholas called me out on it and was 100% right. It was weird to feel both proud that I raised him right, and completely frustrated because I got served up a plate of reality by my kid.

Owned.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Oh Wally World! How You Make Me Shake Mah Head!

I know. I get emails asking for the stuffmart posts, but sadly there is nothing to offer. Different state, different vibe - I don't know, but I'm just not getting the same stories and/or experiences. Honestly, that's not a bad thing here people! Sure, you're not as entertained, but I've noticed the eye twitching isn't as bad.

Wait. Scratch that because I am, after all, still in a Wal-Mart. I still hate to go shopping there, but the amount of food these guys go through leaves me with little choice. So I suck it up and battle the masses.

We still have questionable cashiers. Most of the ladies gush over the boys and insist they are triplets. We have one guy in particular that loves to comment on how much we are buying. Another added bonus - dude NEVER SHUTS UP!!! He will start asking us all kinds of questions, everything from the weather and to the products we are buying. He will add his own thoughts to every.single.question. I'm relieved that he's stuck there still working or I have the feeling he would follow us out to the car and talk at us while we start chucking bags in all willy-nilly just to get away from him.

Let me tell you, that doesn't work for Fred Jr. Michael because dude has the organizing gene. I swear he plays some form of tetris with the groceries in his cart. He has everything arrange just so and I have the feeling he could get both carts worth of stuff arranged into one cart. The downer is he will take flipping forever as he is constantly rearranging stuff. Probably doesn't help that I purposely toss stuff into his cart. I had asked him if Mr. McTalky-Pants were to follow us out, what would he do? After he stopped shuttering, he said he would just put the whole cart in the back of the SUV and yell for me to gun it.

Annoying people of the world - I understand you like to talk. I understand this as I, myself, like to talk. However, there is a fine line of having a few small conversation to the point of overloading someone that they are pretending to kill you a thousand times over in their mind.

Dear Lord, there seems to be one in every state. And while we are on this topic, Sir, why do they always pick me to ramble on and on to? People sail right past Fred and make a beeline for me to tell me their life story. I've had people just come up to me and start asking me questions about stuff. Um, do I look like I work here?!? I have a list and people are following me with carts. And if you get too close to me, one of them will give you a bump with said cart followed up by a glare of back off freak!

I did make him apologize, but in his defense the person wouldn't go away and screamed like he was off his meds, so I really don't think that should be held against my child. Just saying.

The grannies crack me up the most. The guys are always getting asked to get something off the top shelf for someone, which they do and are extremely polite. It's hilarious to watch granny beam back at them and cluck about what wonderful young men they are and then watch her announce this to the whole aisle. I get tons of compliments about how I'm doing it right, and told that there should be more people like me in the world. I chuckle because I'm sure if she knew how goofy I am, she might change her mind.

However, a small part of me wants to throw my arms around her and give her a little squeeze of thanks. The thing that usually stops me is when she starts pointing fingers at other people in the aisle that they should take lessons from me because their brats are on her last nerve. I've noticed that tends to make those happy feeling settle back down and the practical side of me takes over and recommends I just smile, say nothing, and try to get us out of that aisle as fast as possible.

Who knew I actually had a practical side? Oh yeah, not wanting to get stab to death is a high motivator.

I am not a fan of big city living. I don't want to live in the country, but this ginormous city thing sucks. I took Jared up to Kokomo to meet my dad for him to sell some more sauce and ended up coming back home in rush hour traffic. Oh my word! If I had to battle that every day, I'm concern I would take road rage to a new level and start playing bumper cars. It wasn't pretty. Especially because I almost got side swiped and hopped into another lane to keep from getting hit, but it caused me to miss my exit. The roads here tend to split into 5 different directions all at once. You have to know what lane you need or you're screwed. And added bonus, jerkoff wouldn't let me back in my lane.

Is it a sin to wish someone to get an infestations of fleas in their armpits?

Really?!?

Um, we might want to take a moment to pray for someone and his armpits.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Brutal, Just Brutal

What could be so beastly you may be wondering? Or possibly not.

The schedule ganged up with THE LIST! and went all gangsta! Last thing I remember it was January. I'm not entirely sure I know what year this is either.

This whole teenager thing is not for the faint of heart! I have no life because they are sucking up every waking moment. My dad just called and said he has a couple shows he could use Jared's help with, and every time Nicholas and Michael walk through the doors at church they're getting pounced on by an adult asking them to lead worship for youth group, or run the soundboard and/or PowerPoint. Lately, I've found myself running someone to something and a few Sundays I had to drop off the guys at church, run up to get Jared back and then swing back in time to snag the other two.

Sheesh!

The older two are still needing more hours before they can get their driver's license, and it is taking FOREVER because everything is doubled. It's making everything harder and longer. The traffic is very congested down here so Fred has to take them way out of town to drive and then there are two of them that need to practice. I have yet to get into the car with them. But I have heard they are doing great but they get so stressed out about the whole thing it sort of comical.

Gosh, I wonder who's kids these belong too??? When I was their age, I already had my license, had a job, and was doing school. But while they lack some confidence, I think they are way smarter than I was at their age, and have more wisdom and talent in their pinkies than I ever could have hoped to possess.

Gone are the attitudes of you are mom and you know nothing, and it's replaced by this awe that they think I'm the most intelligent thing to roam the planet. While this does cause me to chuckle, I still have a 14 yr old that tries to smash that ooey-gooey feeling into tiny bits. There are no words to describe what a difference 4 years makes in a child. My 18 yr olds are constantly asking for advice, while my 14 yr old rolls his eyes at everything I say. And if he gets too feisty, I will tackle him and try to pin him to the ground.

Because big bottomed girls rule the world and will take any dude down. Amen.

Unfortunately, I can't keep him pinned down for long. Not to mention he got me back. He came sailing into my room right when I was getting out of bed and took.me.down. As in full on tackle that knocked my feet out from under me while I had a hang time of half a second before his momentum finished me off in a heap. Thankfully, the bed broke my fall. I shudder at the thought if I would have gone to the floor. It's possible I would still be there in traction unable to move. He caught me so off guard, I just sat there in a heap laughing out of sheer relief that I wasn't injured.

For the last two years, his favorite thing is to do is the flying hug. If you are fortunate, you have some furniture or a wall to help keep you propped up. If you find yourself in an open space and he comes charging - brace yourself, because it's going to feel like a wall just landed on you. I've noticed his older brothers have stopped calling him "little brother" and now refer to him as their younger brother.

They better be glad that he is so laid back in his personality or there would be some major paybacks going on!

Monday, February 17, 2014

It Was Yet Another Tale Of Woe

The good news is we survived germ-fest and are fully recovered. At least I thought until tonight. Hubby and I ran to the boarder while the guys were at youth group and ended up picking up some food poisoning along with our nachos. I'm belching a rotten egg smell and some of it bullied it's way through the intestines leaving us both running for bathrooms. And while an argument could be made that duh, you went to Taco Bell so, of course, you're taking your life into your own hands - I wasn't aware the boarder crossing was now armed with lethal bacteria.

I feel really bad because I talked Hubs into going there aaaannnd he ended up poisoned. Nothing says I love you like being talked into consuming questionable food that leads to evil diarrhea. Although, I think that's a double negative, because when is diarrhea not evil?

That lovely tale of woe was on the heels of another tale of woe. Sadness had struck when it was discovered the coffee maker stopped working. It was confirmed it had died a sudden and tragic death, as in it didn't work. Not like I care, but for Nicholas - this was a sure sign that the end of the world had indeed just happened. We had a curbside memorial as it was tossed into the dumpster and made a quick trip to snag a newer model, because we have discovered Nicholas is a bit more grumpy without his coffee.

He claims he's not addicted, so far none of us are buying it.

We thought we had recovered with a new coffee maker that had a lot of cool features, but sadly it is giving off a plastic aftertaste. I have washed this sucker, ran water through it, even brewed a couple pots to try and flush this junk out, but was informed the film was still floating on top. Dude looked at me to which I said, "dump it" and he gave me a look of horror until I asked him if he wanted to drink it. He nodded his agreement and dumped it. I had him use Folgers coffee instead of the Starbucks because that crap ain't cheap!

Sissy recommended using vinegar through it which is what I did because the man child is not happy that his morning cup of Joe is being violated. And that has cut into his God time because he likes to read his bible, pray, take notes all while slurping his coffee.

I have no idea where this child came from.

But I can tell you, huge improvements have been made with him, and no way do I want to interrupt his God time.

Michael and I just make our tea and shudder at the thought of it being morning, and then take turns to see who is going to go bang on Jared's door to awaken it. He usually stumbles out and face plants onto the couch mumbling something along the lines of good morning. At least I think that's what he is mumbling, hard to tell with the pillow blocking his face. We are a festive group. Just not in the mornings. Unless it's Nicholas, who was warned not to sing good morning. He.was.warned. Just saying.

Thankfully, the vinegar rinse did the trick and we are back in business. I was going to breathe a sigh of relief until I realized that Monday has snuck up on me ready to do a karate chop. Maybe I can belch on it and it will skitter away. Blah!

And I'm not happy with all this tale of woe that showed up because I had an awesome weekend in spite of everything else. This junk can't tarnish it, so it just needs to scurry on it's way and not come back!

Monday, January 27, 2014

I Guess I Wasn't Too Clear

I made that silly little comment about needing to park it and reading a bunch of books. Some germ took that as a personal challenge and Jared's germs went crazy ba-zerk. Michael was the other causality and last weekend we could barely move. Nicholas got a little too smug about not getting the germs and Michael tossed out a threat of licking him. I couldn't stop laughing. Which turned into coughing.

I'm going to miss that lung.

This week has gone better, but I can't seem to stop coughing. And it's one of those annoying must hack out a lung type coughs but there is no productivity of freeing said lung from the crud. All the work and nothing to show for it. Unless you count the fact that I now have abs of steel. Granted, it is completely buried under a large layer of blubber, but you'll have to trust me that there are some rock hard abs from all the horking.

I took some medicine right before dinner, ate, and then sat down on the couch waiting for Mythbusters to come on. Next thing I know, Mythbusters is running the end credits and I'm mopping about half a gallon of drool off my neck.

Well. That was unpleasant.

But since I ended up with a nap, my brain read that as 'stay up all night and think of random things'. Oh the random! I think my brain tried to come up with several solutions, but I'm pretty sure it came up with zilch as I only half remember it.

I'm still slightly steamed. With being run over by a mac truck and flat on my back, I was only able to read one book. One!! I'm pretty sure I stayed in a fetal position for days on end, so I should have cranked out a few. Instead, my eyes didn't want to focus on anything other than identifying body parts I was horking out with every cough.

Gross, huh?

I've noticed that Wicked is coming to Once Upon A Time. A few people I know big, puffy heart love the musical and when I was at the book sale, I was able to snag a copy for a buck. So I thought might as well tackle that one first as the show kicks back on in March. And I am now mourning that buck and the time I wasted reading that garbage.

Seriously! One of the worst books I've ever read! I liked the concept of it, however, there was so much sex in the book that it got beyond gross. I'm not a prude, but when graphic sex scenes are tossed around every few chapters, it gets old and just screams unnecessary. I am completely confused how anyone was able to salvage enough of that story to make a musical out of it. It was so bad I immediately tossed the thing into the recycle bin as soon as I finished it. And I rarely toss books.

What fries my bacon is that person is published and has won all kinds of awards. So now I'm digging through my stack of books to pick an author who's work I enjoy to hopefully get that awful junk out of my head. Hate it when that happens. And I'm not sure what I'm more upset over - the fact that I feel I could write a better story or the fact that someone publish that garbage.

I was in full rant about it to Hubby who shot back why don't I? Took me a few beats to catch on to what he meant about me writing, and then I slide down to the floor gasping for air from all the laughing. I listed off all the stuff I did that day let alone the rest of the week. Who has time for that?!? I think I've mostly given up on blogging too. I feel like I barely make it through a week from everything that has to get done and most of the time I feel like I'm behind on that. I say this as a pile of laundry glares at me.

Maybe someday - maybe not. The thought of trying to plan more than a week hurts my head right now. I spent most of the day coming up with a grocery list and a few loads of laundry. Someone was whining about wearing his last pair of scrubs. Although, he did take pity on me and has cooked a few meals this week. Which was good as I put him down for making most the meals.

He better hopes this week goes better. Scratch that - I better rise from the ashes or he's going to make chili again. There are only so many times I can eat it before my intestines stages a revolt. I am skert we are coming to the danger zone. Especially since I'm making Cowboy Crack dip for Sunday. Oh the dips! It will be a dip-glorious day.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Let Me Just Bang My Cane On My Rocker

I have now flopped into another decade. I've embraced the gray - sort of. At least I thought I was until I had to pluck my eyebrows and what should I discover but a couple of gray - no, white eyebrow hairs! For some reason I sat there all irked like, because what was one supposed to do with white eyebrow hair anyways? I'm still scarred from discovering hoo-hah hair can turn grey.

I actually hunted my mother down and demanded to know why she didn't prepare me for that special shock. She was laughing so hard, she started coughing to the point that she sounded like a sick sea-lion. My dad got on the phone and asked what the heck did I say to make her cry with laughter like that.

Cricket, cricket

So I told him and from what I hear, he is on his third bottle of bleach trying to get that image out of his eyes. Hey, he of all people should know better than to ask questions all willy-nilly like that around me. Actually, he said it was funny but just couldn't believe I'm old enough to have graying hoo-hah hair. He keeps forgetting what year I was born in, so thought I had a couple more years to go. Talk about denial! Dude is in his 70s, so time for a check up from the neck up!

I ended up having a blast - the gals came down for the book sale and I have another large bag of crack books to go through. Be still my heart! Too bad I still have 3 other bags full from the last 2 trips. Ahem! I've been busy. Although, I'm not sure what it is I've actually done. Weird.

But we went off to P.F. Chang's and someone tipped off the waitress and a cheesecake with lit candles appeared while people sang to me. I had to pose for pictures all while I had a goofy grin on my face. Well, it WAS cheesecake. I just wished I knew it was coming or I would have passed on those egg rolls. Burp! I was so glad they came! I really needed some girl time. They almost didn't come because of the crazy weather. They have no idea how happy I was that they braved it. It's over an hour drive for them - 15 minute drive for me.

Sissy might be coming this weekend. But Jared just caught the crud, so she's not too sure now. We shall see how that pans out. All the days are starting to blend together. I need to park it and get knocking some of these books off but I've been cross-stitching, which just screams I have no life. And while that may be true, I've been working on this sucker off and on for 5 years and I think I got enough steam to get it finished. It's huge and all the shading hasn't pushed me over the edge yet so away I go.

And this is me - with a hobby.

You may offer your pity at any time now.

Oh wait, that would require people to comment. Which is weird because I don't know how my blog got listed on this one site but one blog post has almost 500 hits on it. Ok. Creepy. Sort of glad I set my comment settings to no anonymous comments. I was getting too many spam comments which is sad because those seem to be the only comments lately, but didn't have the body parts they were offering to enhance so buh-bye spammers. But to rack up 500 hits on one post and no comments - seems a bit off. I really don't network very well. I'm confused why anyone reads this anyways.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

And They Called This A Blizzard

I guess around these parts it was considered a blizzard but honestly, it only ranked as a serious snow storm by our standards. And what fun! We had my dad snowed in with us for a few days. Honestly, it went fine which only reinforces my belief that it's my mother that causes all the angst.

He was down for the weekend as he needed a place to stay as he was selling BBQ sauce. J was more than happy to tag along. Except the bad weather drove people away and it was an epic flop as far as sales goes. They wrapped it up just in time for the snow to come charging in and Dad was seriously thinking about heading out.

I think he was concerned about us not having enough stuff. I told him I always have extra stuff as we take our food seriously. Good thing too, because he was here for 5 days. He really loved my Cheeseburger Soup so I gave him the recipe and as soon as he got home, he made it. I guess he wasn't kidding when he said it was really good. It's been Michael's favorite soup since he was little. Nicholas, who loves all things lasagna, says Lasagna Soup is the best. And Jared, who hates all vegetables says he hates all soups.

Does this explain the eye twitch a little?

But we watched movies and read books. Made him watch the Lone Ranger, which I felt didn't get just reviews. It was really good. Totally not believable but I like a good story. I had just finish Baldacci's latest and Dad was rubbing it in my Mom's nose that he was reading it. She had asked to borrow it last time but I hadn't read it yet. Needless to say, she was happy we sent Dad home with a few books for her to read. Because not only do we take food seriously, we also take books seriously.

The weather better cooperate too, because the book sale is Friday and I really don't want to go alone. I'm not sure if the gals are coming down yet as last I heard there was talk of them not coming. That would be a bummer. And after venturing out today, I think I have myself mostly convinced never to leave the house, like, ever again.

Dad left before noon and it took him four hours to get back. It normally only takes an hour and half to two hours depending on who's driving. We left shortly after lunch to go grocery shopping. And that's where the fun ended. I was hoping the 2 degree temp would keep people off the streets. Seems that I was wrong. Someone needs to teach these people how to drive in the snow because it wasn't people going super fast that was the problem, rather the people that would go super slow, come to a complete stop and then spin out at the light causing traffic jams.

Lovely.

As if going out to stuffmart isn't a pain enough as it is, let's toss in idiots on the road to make it exciting.

There is a stuffmart not too far away from where we live, but the layout is the most ridiculous setup I have every seen in my life. I'm not OCD but even I can see there is no reason to the place and they always have so much stuff in the lanes that you can barely get your cart through. No thanks! So I go to one that is a lot farther away. I seriously should have reconsidered that thought today. Actually, I should have waited a few more days because it's going to warm up and make driving conditions better. I was just out of a few essentials but I could have made it.

Wish I wouldn't second guess myself so much. I'm not nearly as wrong as what I think I am.

We snagged a parking spot and went to enter stuffmart but the temps were so cold that they couldn't open a set of doors. The doors I happened to pick to park near. So we had to trek it the other side, which means we were going to have to mush carts all the way back to the other side through the snow.

We got most of the stuff on the list. The bread aisle was like nothing I have ever seen before because it was picked clean! But I didn't need any bread as I always have an extra loaf double bagged and in the chest freezer. And the place wasn't as packed as it normally was, so I guess that wasn't too bad.

The bad part was after we mushed through the parking lot and was attempting to leave. A truck had spun out at the light causing a traffic jam. Bunch of guys hopped out to help push - none of them were wearing coats. Proving that most people are idiots. We even saw a few guys in shorts, sweatshirts, and hats and gloves. Dude - you forgot your pants! It was cold enough that even the gang-bangers had their pants pulled up to their waste.

I will say it was nice having an SUV because the roads were terrible! They don't handle snow very well here, so most of the roads had packed snow in spots and ice mounds in others with a lot of slop in between. It was a bumpy ride! But the hard part was how people were spinning out. No wonder they shut the whole city down for the last couple days. City slickers in a hurry on bad roads shouldn't be allowed out. I wasn't too sure we were going to make it back. Had a couple close calls trying to get around people who think if you just give it more gas, you'll get out of the hole.

Stupid people!!

But then again, I tossed caution to the wind all because we were out of eggs and a few other things. All those things could have been picked up much closer to home. So the question begs to be asked who the stupid person really was after all?